


It's Easier

by ConfessionForAnotherTime



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Denial, Denial of Feelings, F/F, F/M, One-Sided Yorkalina, Regret, Season 13 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-06 19:42:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4234227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfessionForAnotherTime/pseuds/ConfessionForAnotherTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>de·ni·al<br/>dəˈnīəl/<br/>noun<br/>the action of declaring something to be untrue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Easier

**Author's Note:**

> Big shoutout to Anneapocalypse for the beta and generally being amazing with helping me regarding Carolina's characterization.

“ _It’s easier_ ,” she told herself, landing another series of kicks into the air. The contact of Carolina’s foot passing through the targets signaled to F.I.L.S.S. to change them from green to red, resetting the training room floor. She repeated the motion over and over, boots kicking the air over and over to register the on the training exercise. Carolina knew a more physical training would help her better, the connection of her feet against an arm, a leg, a torso, or a pillar would give her more satisfaction than the change from green to red. Her muscles strained and started to burn, the repeated motions making her ache. She made the split second decision to push through when her breath became short, needing to beat this. There was a feeling she couldn’t shake the longer she trained. The unintelligible nagging feeling in the back of her mind ate at her, telling her that she just needed to give up. She whispered a quiet ‘no’ to herself, kicking away the feeling that built in her, mixing with the physical pains resulting from the turmoil in her head. Her breath came out shorter the longer she fought with the training session, finally hitting the last holographic tile.

“F.I.L.S.S.! Run it again!” Carolina looked up for a moment, turning away when York waved at her from the observation deck. _He’s only here because he knows you’ll hurt yourself and keep it from everyone. He knows you want to win. He’ll just hold you back though._ Carolina shook the intrusive thoughts away. The thoughts delayed her. She cursed herself, setting up another round and another, focused on beating her score into the ground. _Reset. Run. Complete. Reset. Run. Complete._ Her breath grew shorter with each set she completed, shaking away F.I.L.S.S.’s reports of her progress as she crept closer to beating her score, and more so, herself. She stumbled after a set, almost collapsing in exhaustion from the repeated motions of the training, hands gripping her knees in desperation to keep herself upright. She stood back up briefly, muscles knotting in pain that made her double back over as she braced her hands on her knees again.

“Carolina, you doin’ okay there?” York asked over the intercom when he came back from another cup of coffee. Carolina nodded between panted breaths, righting herself and commanding another round. It didn’t matter if she had just run it. It didn’t matter if she ran it again. What mattered was that Tex was still the best of the best and if she couldn’t beat her, then how was she going to be able to shine at the top of the leaderboard again and finally reclaim that spot that she had lost. She had missed her mark when it came to bringing in CT, or at least her armor, and it always left her wondering where she had gone wrong. _What made her so special? Who decided that Tex got her place at the top?_ She hated to think of being so jealous over a teammate, especially over a teammate who killed some of her own, but she knew so little about her, it was easier to hate her than it was to get to know who she really was. That’s what the Director wanted anyway, right? He wanted the best agents, not for everyone to take a ride on the Friendship Express. _Still, the team works better when everyone gets along._

“I’m fine!” she shouted up at the window, turning to the holograms, hitting them faster and more accurately than she had been, the spite of thinking that she couldn’t do this pushing her. Only 0.057 seconds of improvement. Tex could get away without training so hard. Tex never had to stop and slow down, running through obstacle courses like they were flat surfaces. Tex dead lifted more than she could, ran faster than she did, sprinted longer without the aid of armor enhancements. It seemed like Tex didn’t even have to breathe, standing tall next to her while she sputtered for air as she tried to keep up. _Best of the best indeed._ There was no way she was going to be able to catch up to the regimen that Tex was able to hold herself to.

“F.I.L.S.S. reset floor.” Carolina dragged herself out of the training room, heading to the locker room a little slower than usual. She looked up at York after she sat, his footsteps light without the armor.

“Done already?” York jokes, handing her a bottled water and taking a seat across from her. Carolina gratefully gulps down the water, finishing with a satisfied gasp. “You always push yourself so hard.”

She wiped the water from her mouth and shrugged. It was easier.

\---

“ _Why_ did you show me that?” Her voice shook as the memories faded from view. She didn’t want to know that he never stopped looking for her. She didn’t want to know that he had clung to hope that she was still alive. She didn’t want to be reminded that he was dead. They may have cared for one another on different levels, but that didn’t mean she was happy he was gone. They were still friends. She still cared. There was still so much more that could have happened if they all had just… survived.

“Because, I know what it’s like to spend your life chasing ghosts.” Epsilon stared her down.

“That’s more than just a ghost though. He was my go-to, my right hand. If I needed something done, York was there to do it. I just don’t understand why---”

The empty base where York had last broadcasted a signal did nothing to help her find answers to the team she once had. The base did nothing to ease the pain of losing the other eight that had been closest to her, even if she still had one who knew what life was like back then. Like everything else, the base did _nothing. Wash didn’t understand though. There was so much he didn’t know that would take a lifetime to explain._

“There’s too much to tell. It would take hours to explain everything to a level that would make it so anyone would be able to understand _exactly_ what it is that I’m going through. Besides, you’re just a machine. What would _you_ know about human emotion?” Carolina shook her head. “Would you even _get it_ , Church? Is there even anything _to_ get for you? Or would everything you understood just be as a clever ploy to make me _nicer_ to them.” She felt validated when he faded away, but less so when he came back.

“That’s part of why I showed you. You _don’t_ understand. Not one bit. Why are you so damn abrasive? The guys are doing their best and you keep acting like--well, you. Like you think they’re super soldiers. They’re not. They’re never going to be as good as your old team, even with Wash. You need to stop thinking you can push them as hard as you pushed York or North or Maine--.”

“Don’t you _dare_ bring them into this. They weren’t a part of _your_ team so you have no room comparing them to your friends. Don’t even go there.” Carolina bristled and Epsilon recoiled visibly.

“So don’t mention your team. Got it. I mean, even if I am right in all of this? They aren’t equipped to handle your bran--.” Epsilon jumped when she grabbed a rock to throw at him, growling in his direction. “Okay! Okay! Sorry.”

“I said not to bring them into this!” She rashly grabbed the mongoose, looking for where Epsilon had been docked. _It was bad enough the Project destroyed what was left of them._ Upon finding it, she ripped Epsilon from his slot, throwing him out across the expanse of the base. She bit back the growl, tapped her foot and huffed after several minutes of cooling down before picking up the chip and reintegrating him with the mongoose’s onboard computer. “ _Now_ will you shut up before I leave you out here?”

“Touchy. Thanks for putting me back by the way. Being forcibly removed from my makeshift home is always so fun. Just would you quit throwin’ shit? I have enough instability in my life.” Epsilon shook his head in exasperation, throwing up his hands. “Is that why you shut everyone out?”

“It’s just--- It’s easier.” Carolina shrugged, sounding less convinced. “It’s easier,” she repeated.

\---                                                                                                       

Carolina woke up in the infirmary of the combined forces of the Federal Republic of Chorus and the New Republic. Doctor Grey smiled down at her.

“GOOD morning, sleepy head!” Grey chirped cheerfully at her. “Seems like you wanted your beauty sleep, even if you don’t need it.” Carolina rolled her eyes, smirking and pushing herself up back on her elbows. “Oh no no no, Carolina, sweetie, lay back down.”

“I can’t. I need to--”

“Well, this is _unexpected_ ,” Epsilon started sarcastically, “Carolina getting up after a serious injury? Color me surprised.”

“Shhhhhhh,” Grey hissed as she hushed the AI, “right now is about Carolina, not you. Technicians will be in to look at you later. Conserve yourself so I can focus more easily on her. You’re distracting and I’m _pretty_ sure that she doesn’t need any more distractions with all the pain she’s in. Okay?” Grey smiled bright at Epsilon as he threw up his hands and retreated to run the healing unit. Doctor Grey worked on her through the rest of the day, keeping an eye on her as the night started to wear on. Carolina was surprised that no one came to see her over the course of the day, even if the disorientation meant that she wasn’t sure exactly how much time had passed since she woke up. The confusion lessened though and Carolina found herself thinking about all those little things from the project. _No. That’s over and done. I need to focus on now._

Carolina’s eyes slipped closed when Doctor Grey left for the evening to get a few hours of sleep, leaving a different medic on duty should anything happen. Carolina contemplated rolling over onto her side, but chose to save herself the lecture and groaned out once everyone was out of earshot. “Hey there.” Carolina’s eyes shot open, leaning up to look at the silhouette staring her down from the doorway. “They said you had woken up, but I didn’t have a chance to come by to see you until now. How are you feeling?” Kimball left the light off as she entered. No one needed to know she was here.

“Like a pelican landed on me. Still here. Thanks to the armor. And Epsilon. Though Epsilon is also part of the reason I’m _here_.” She laughed a little at the ‘ _I heard that,’_ that echoed in her head and reached out for Kimball’s hand when she cocked her head in confusion. “Thanks for coming to visit.”

“Hey, no problem,” Kimball whispered in the dark, threading their fingers together. “I’m just happy you’re okay. Everything is so fucked up right now and I’m so glad you’re all right.” Kimball leaned down to kiss her forehead, lingering then Carolina reached up and ran her fingers through her short, curly hair.

“I’m happy you came. Is it more than the mercs dropping everything they can on us at once?” Carolina asked as Kimball pulled away, grip still tight on her hand.

“It’s a bit worse than that. I just want you to focus on getting better. If you’re in fighting shape, that’s one less thing to worry about when we finally take them head on.” Kimball squeezed her hand.

“Yeah, I know. I’ll be better soon. Just need a little time and for this healing unit to work properly. I’ll be fine.” Carolina pulled Kimball’s gloved hand to her lips, kissing the back of it.

“Even if you aren’t? It’s okay to say you aren’t fine.”

“It’s easier.” Carolina’s smile reached her eyes, tugging faintly at her lips.

 


End file.
